FabianWriter

How to Cut Your Shoulder Pads Loose
By Cynthia Fabian

I hate shoulder-pads! Every time I turn around, I’m ripping them from blouses, peeling Velcro from a sweater–or splitting a seam in my jacket to get them out. And I’m no tailor, sometimes I give in and leave them there. So why am I so obsessed with shoulder-pads? Read on and you’ll see.

That navy pin-stripped blazer with those great mother of pearl buttons my aunt Tess sent me are in the garbage now. Carving out the shoulder-pads from the jacket came so naturally, until I ripped it. I’m sure shoulder-pads stashed in every article of clothing you buy is some sort of plot to cash in on women’s insecurities. So fellow women, wake up and smell the polyester, and the plot–nobody needs shoulder-pads!

The reasoning? Designers argue shoulder-pads are flattering to all figures, and give women more dimension and a narrower look. If a woman is endowed with ample shoulders–she doesn’t need extra ones. But, even if you wear a size 3 suit, meander right past the control-top pantyhose, and over to the string bikini rack, you still don’t need shoulder-pads. And that’s because on any figure, shoulder-pads look fake.

But anyone can fall prey to shoulder-pad build up–and that’s pretty scary. You may be hurriedly dressing and not notice that your blouse, jacket and trench coat all are sporting polyester boomerangs. Or worse yet, they may sag or droop at a board or even a PTA meeting. If you’re smart, cut them loose. Here’s 8 ways to loose your shoulder-pads.

1– Stuff a Dummy–Have you ever seen an ample dummy? No, usually it’s a Kate Moss clone in an outfit no real person can wear (but Kate usually doesn’t wear clothes anyway.) Head straight for your department store and let your inhibitions go wild. Stuff male and female dummies until they are creatively bulked-up.

2 — Make a stuffed toy–I’ve made a few by sewing the rounded ends of the shoulder-pads together. Then sew on buttons for the nose and eyes, and a piece of felt for a tongue. Kids love it, and it will keep them busy for hours. It’ll take that long to figure out what it is! (No Butterick® pattern needed.)

3 — Cover your Coif–Become a patchwork Marge Simpson. Sew about 40 different colored shoulder-pads together upwards in a cone shape, add peacock feathers or silk flowers–and guaranteed you’ll be the tackiest person at the Easter Parade, or if you can’t wait until April, parade it at the local Waldbaums, Gristedes or even Piggly Wiggly.

4 — More fun than a Frisbee–Play toss the shoulder-pad. Then make the losing team the one who gets stuck with it and have to wear them for a full day.

5 — April Showers–Instead of a water balloon, (which is messy and environmentally unsafe,) grab a reusable shoulder-pads and throw them at your nosy neighbors.

6 — Recycle in a Big Way–Got a lumpy old flowered sofa from your Mom? Can’t afford reupholstery? Grab some shoulder-pads and have a stuff-the-sofa party. Mom may just want the couch back.

7 — Save an Endangered Species-Help a child fix a stuffed animal and use shoulder-pads to sew on new body parts — they make great ears.

8–0r one of my personal favorites, throw it out!

Elevator Etiquette

By Cynthia Fabian

It’s 6 p.m. You’ve finally made it into your coat and out the elevator, and then the door opens. And alone inside is your company’s CEO, your city’s mayor–or even Barbara Walters. As the door closes you realize you’re faced with 30—possibly wonderful, possibly terrible unfilled seconds. Seconds you have the opportunity to mold. But, how can we make this half-a-minute work for us is as easy as pushing the right buttons in an elevator. So read on:

Don’t blend in with the ersatz oak paneling
Humor is one of the best approaches to take. If you get into an elevator with your boss or another senior manager, flatter the person in an amusing way. It isn’t appropriate to be a wallflower if the person smiles or greets you.

Be Superficial–light and breezy is best
Don’t discuss anything of a personal nature with your boss, say experts. Keep it superficial, after all asking for a raise, or debating company issues can be a form of business rape. And gossiping and cursing is always inappropriate, it reflects poorly on the company. But it especially is bad manners in front of your boss. Also, keep your cell phone on vibrate, or off so it won’t bother others.

Respecting Personal Space
There are times when elevator conversation is just not appropriate. A person can gauge when a person is trying to remain incognito in an elevator. For example, if you get into an elevator with Donald Trump, his collar is up and his hat is on, it doesn’t matter what you say, even “glad to meet you”–will probably be inappropriate. And chances are you’re not going to make a good impression.

You can Talk Business–Light Business with the CEO
Not to be forgotten are those times when, try as you might, you’re tongue-tied. Don’t chastise yourself; remember that you can always resort with aplomb to a sincere and friendly greeting.

Respecting Newton’s Law of Gravity
The law of gravity requires that the last one in is the first one out. Therefore, if you need to get out on the second floor, don’t push your way to the back. The old rule of ladies exiting first does not apply anymore. But if the situation does lend itself, without causing chaos let your boss go ahead out of respect. Many men still display courtly manners, and if one-steps aside to allow the woman to pass, don’t get angry with him. Above all, don’t give him a karate chop in the arm–simply smile and say thank you.

There’s always room for a smile
A smile would help indicate that a person’s happy to be there. It’s refreshing and between the visage and verbiage, it’s enough to warm any boss’ heart.

New appearance: Mike Schikman’s radio show
WSVA 550AM
Harrisburg Virginia

http://radiotime.com/station/s_23019/News_Radio_550.aspx

The date will be 2/24 and the time will be 3:35 EST, hope you will be able to listen.